Good things

(This post was written yesterday.)

Everybody needs a little ice cream now and then. And yes, I treated

myself to Nestle Buttercrunch by myself today. I deserved it, I needed it, and I enjoyed it. :)

Paxton is having a good day today. Again! That's great, I'll take two good days in a row anyday! I've been able to bathe him today, which is always wonderful because after the hands on time, I can put my face next to his and sing him a song, whisper in his ear, and hold his chest for about ten minutes before we have to close his incubator up. It's the best time we get with him (unless we get to hold him of course). Especially because I feel like I haven't been able to really bond or even have a moment with him in the last week, he's been under so much stress. Yesterday was the hardest day yet for me to leave his home here in the NICU. I was being educated for most of my visit time with Paxton and I just didn't get to sit by his side to sing, talk to, or look at him. I felt very, very empty. So this precious time today was a thankful blessing! I loved it, Paxton! When the tears came today it was not out of sadness like usual, but such pure joy to be with you. You look so peaceful and beautiful and fell asleep to my touch and voice - the best! To feel like I can calm and comfort you is the best feeling of being a mom in the world!

It's been quite a whirlwind since last Friday. I've been quite a bit emotional about everything the care of the future entails. Last night I hit my knees hard and it was just what I needed, to do and feel. Then I actually got some zzz's and have felt so much better today! I even had my first laugh on the drive here this morning. Thank you, Kelli! So, It's amazing how all those things add up and today, walking back with my ice cream cup in hand :) I felt like, "I can do this. I can be the mom that can do this, for Paxton. The Lord is not going to leave us alone to do it all by ourselves; He knew we can do this. So we can do this, we WILL do this! And we will be okay." I'm so grateful for these moments and wish I never felt any different. But even though I know I will have my 'other', opposite moments, I am so grateful for these times I feel heavenly empowerment and support.

Thank you all for cheering us on as well. We have received so many notes of encouragement, it is definitely there in the back of our minds, lifting us through.

Thank you so much for being here, Paxton. I so wish I could take away all you are suffering. Thankfully someone else has already done that so much more than I could ever do for you. But I hope we can always give you the love and support you so much more than deserve. You are so precious and truly special. My angel. We just want you to know we are all here for you. You have already blessed our lives so dearly. Thank you for coming here so willing to fight. Don't give up and I promise you we won't either! We love you, little buddy. 

Love,

Mom

(By the way, Paxton's tracheotomy surgery will be tomorrow  - Thursday - sometime. We will get to give him his baby blessing tonight, the 3 generations. So grateful to be able to do that. Thank you for your earnest prayers! All our love.)