Peace

As much as it feels like everyone in our immediate world knows this, there are some readers who I know do not. Our precious son, Paxton, passed away on July 17. You can read his obituary here. 

I have wanted to get on here since to share SOMETHING, ...but which of the constant flood of thoughts or many emotions do I choose to share??? Where do I begin? This will not be by any means all-inclusive, but perhaps satisfy the demands of my heart to share ...something. 

First,  I must say thank you. Certainly to everyone reading this, and to many others as well. For the sincere and continued prayers, love, and support of Paxton, our family, and the journey we have traveled for the last three and a half (pregnancy) years. I'm so grateful for everyone who has helped us, and especially those who really shared in the "knowing" of Paxton and who he is, with us. I have felt their love as we have witnessed them mourning the loss of his treasured presence alongside us. 

Our life changed so much when we learned of Paxton's challenges in utero, when he was born, and now with his passing it is completely changing again. At first we mourned the loss of a normal, healthy, full life. The things he wouldn't do as a child, the things we wouldn't do as family. We came to accept those and deal with the circumstances as they were, certainly making the best of all that we COULD do. Now we are mourning being separated from that beautiful, perfect, innocent, happy, hard, special-needs and special blessings life. ...We are sad to lose the opportunities and blessings that having Paxton brought to us. Perhaps it is like being released from being a bishop, a missionary, any calling that you absolutely treasured that unique time for. Although it was hard, that is what made it so special and the blessings of the effort given so abundant. ..What made it so hard to say goodbye and to rearrange the time and efforts of your life, taking what you have learned and putting it all into action in new ways and allowances.

We miss Paxton everyday. We see his toys and his walkers, his equipment and supplies, his favorite blankets, toys, and spots to sit and play in the house. Where we would see him when we walked in the room or (for Dave-) in the house. Where we would pick him up and throw him in the air and tickle him all over. We long to see him there rocking and twisting, looking up and reaching out. I wish I had a perfect video in my head that would never forget one detail- one pixel of his face or one frame of his movement, that I could play back at any time. That I could perfectly see him lifting his chin and tilting his head back as a huge grin spreads across his cutest little face. How his eyes danced as he smiled at who knows what (or who). And yet maybe a perfect memory can't be afforded because it breaks my break heart when I let myself go there so deeply. I can't believe how much I love and would wish to hold a body! Truly I never knew. Even in burying him, touching his body wasn't the same because his spirit had already gone. But, oh how I miss touching his simple body, skin and hair. It was all so perfect and beautiful to me, and I felt so lucky to be the one to take care of him and bathe him, hold him and carry him. Never once did I hold him without all of his attachments, until after his spirit had left his body. I can only imagine the intense joy that will exude from my body when I can finally hold him- body and spirit- after the Resurrection. Suddenly this blink of life seems a bit long to "endure to the end".   

I'm feeling like I can go a couple of days with being pretty positively focused on the boys, the house, responsibilities, etc., but then comes a point where I just need to let myself sit and 'go there'. To feel what I need to feel, cry like I need to cry, and just plain miss and think of him. As sad and hard as it is, you want to remember so much every detail. You don't mind the sharp pain because it means you are remembering. Even still, I have learned it is good to be busy, with what I call "healthy distractions", to not "stay" in those hard, long, and sad moments. I know where I draw my strength from and after searching in the scriptures and talks from others on the topic, I have the hope and peace I need to get up and go forward again. These things really help me and I am so grateful there is such an availability to find what we need so easily. Luckily, I have a spirit that once it learns and feels something deeply, it stays with me, and I continually build upon it. So the strength I derive sustains me until it hurts again, and then I build something upon what I learned and felt last time. 

 I know where Paxton is. I know he is happy. That death was sweet to him and we will be with him again. That he would be sad and confused to see us so sad over him ...being in Heaven! I can just envision him whispering to us to remember, "But you know where I am, Mom. This is not sad at all! Thank you for loving me and caring for me while I was there... Now just keep going strong so you can come be with me again. All of you. You will love it when you get here; It's worth it, I promise! It will be here in no time!"

Sometimes, no matter what you know, it is still just plain hard going through it. But for the most part, I have felt blessed with 'eternal perspective glasses' that have brought great clarity to my life. They give me personal fortifying peace and strength. A motivation and desire to "hope for the things of a better world" and to use this time "to prepare to meet God." To give my living children opportunities to feel the Spirit, choose the right, and feel loved and connected to us everyday. These are the things that are most important, and I never want to forget them.

A couple weeks ago on a night when grief hit me hard, I found a talk entitled, "The Doors of Death", by Elder Russell M. Nelson. It helped me to realize there are more reasons to rejoice than to be sad. Do you know what a gift that kind of incredible awareness gives?! I felt so strong and even happy. I immediately wanted to share with Dave all that I had learned and felt from it's words. I share with you these words that have helped me so much in dealing with this "Birth we call death", this "passing" from one life to the next, this transition we have to make of learning to live with a loved one separated for a time, on the other side of the veil. From the brilliant words of Elder Nelson:

 Death separates "the spirit and the body [which] are the soul of man." (D&C 88:15.) That separation evokes pangs of sorrow and shock among those left behind. The hurt is real. Only its intensity varies. Generally the younger the victim, the greater the grief. Yet even when the elderly or infirm have been afforded merciful relief, their loved ones are rarely ready to let go. The only length of life that seems to satisfy the longings of the human heart is life everlasting. 

 Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die." (D&C 42:45.) 

The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. (!)

 Eternal perspective provides peace "which passeth all understanding." (Philip. 4:7.)

We were born to die, and we die to live. (See 2 Cor. 6:9.) As seedlings of God, we barely blossom on earth; we fully flower in heaven.

 Scriptures teach that death is essential to happiness: "Now behold, it was not expedient that man should be reclaimed from this temporal death, for that would destroy the great plan of happiness." (Alma 42:8; italics added; see also 2 Ne. 9:6.)   (!)

 Our limited perspective would be enlarged if we could witness the reunion on the other side of the veil, when doors of death open to those returning home. Such was the vision of the psalmist who wrote, "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." (Ps. 116:15.) 

 Mortality, temporary as it is, is terminated by the doors of death. Questions then come to searching minds of those left behind.  While many questions cannot be fully answered with available knowledge, much is known. ... (see talk for more details on what happens after death, where the spirits go and what they are doing.)

 Meanwhile, we who tarry here have a few precious moments remaining "to prepare to meet God." (Alma 34:32.) Unfinished business is our worst business. Perpetual procrastination must yield to perceptive preparation. Today we have a little more time to bless others-time to be kinder, more compassionate, quicker to thank and slower to scold, more generous in sharing, more gracious in caring. 

 Then when our turn comes to pass through the doors of death, we can say as did Paul: "The time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." (2 Tim. 4:6-7.) 

 We need not look upon death as an enemy. With full understanding and preparation, faith supplants fear. Hope displaces despair. The Lord said, "Fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full." (D&C 101:36.) He bestowed this gift: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27.) 

 As a special witness of Jesus Christ, I testify that He lives! I also testify that the veil of death is very thin. I know by experiences too sacred to relate that those who have gone before are not strangers ...to us and to you, our loved ones may be just as close as the next room-separated only by the doors of death. 

 With that assurance, brothers and sisters, love life! Cherish each moment as a blessing from God. (See Mosiah 2:21.) Live it well-even to your loftiest potential. Then the anticipation of death shall not hold you hostage. With the help of the Lord, your deeds and desires will qualify you to receive everlasting joy, glory, immortality, and eternal lives. For this I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

I love these words!

Yesterday I was able to share my testimony. I felt this burning desire to share with the youth, those who have prayed for Paxton for 3 years, and seen him get better, time after time, in accordance with our faith... I felt like it was so important for them to know that because Paxton didn't get better this time doesn't mean that God doesn't love us, or that we didn't exhibit enough faith, or that He didn't hear and answer our prayers, or that we weren't "blessed" because Paxton wasn't healed this time. (Ironically, the day our family and friends fasted for us was the very day Paxton passed, and I KNEW, even before the fast began, that their prayers and faith this time would be to help us to accept God's will for Paxton.) Sometimes it takes more faith to not be healed, than to be healed. Paxton was going to return home this time, and that was simply because it was God's will and God's appointed time for Paxton. Paxton had accomplished his mission here on this earth. I believe even the time he was allowed to stay with us was an incredible gift, that possibly it was even longer than originally planned. And even if not, what a gift his 3 years have been! They have changed us all and made us want to be better. To do God's will and follow His plan. To celebrate the simple beauties of life and to joy in the love we feel one for another.

I'm so grateful for God's love for us. Isn't it amazing that without death we could never have a fullness of joy? It is a necessary part of the plan of Happiness! We are not meant to live here forever. It's not our eternal home! One day we will all go there and see and feel and remember all that we knew before and be so glad we did everything in our power to return there. I know this is true. I know God loves us and sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to suffer for (that thereby He could suffer WITH) us, to die for us and overcome death on the third day (yes, there is really something special about those 3's). I'm so grateful there is a merciful God who knows the details of our lives and will guide them if we want Him to. I'm so grateful for a grand reunion and Resurrection that we can be together again, and not only feel each other's spirits but embrace fully, both body and spirit, those souls we have since lost and loved a while. I love this Gospel. I don't know how I could function and breath so happily without it. Life would certainly be full of despair and not feel very worth living at all. I'm so glad I know there is so much more than that to offer, a truth which brings that "peace which passeth all understanding." I wish to share it with the world, and that is why I venture to leave these words with you today. I know God, the Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, LIVE, and that because they live, we shall live also. I share these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!